Self-Flagellation Is A Losing Game

Last week, I wrote about a meaningful gift you could share with anyone you encounter: being present. As we approach the new year, I’d like to share a few thoughts about gifts you can give yourself. If you take these self-presented gifts to heart and implement them, they might change your life. So, here we go.

As we stood by astounded, a man passed us, dragging a heavy wooden cross while whipping himself across the back. Each step looked very painful to me, and I assume it was. But that was the point. This religious zealot was literally trying to beat the sin out of himself.

I thought this only happened in movies, but this was real. I was glad I wasn’t him! I realized that no matter how long and hard I whipped myself, I could never completely rid myself of the stains of sin. I can sin faster than I can walk and whip. What about you?

Ten years ago, I walked the famed Camino Way, an ancient pilgrimage across Spain. Pilgrims have walked this trek from France across northern Spain for over 1,000 years. The journey was one of the highlights of my life.

Millions of people from all over the globe have made this arduous journey, but one group in particular interested me —or, better said, bothered me. There was a tiny group of pilgrims who determined that beating themselves on the back with a whip each step on the trail was somehow noble and cleansing. All I saw was pain and futility. Perhaps such noble souls would consider me shallow.

Self-flagellation was first practiced in the Middle Ages and became popular during the Black Plague to cleanse oneself of the disease. It didn’t work. The Catholic Church first condemned the practice but then used it as a means of punishment for misbehaving clergy members. That didn’t work either. The practice is still used in some areas of the world as a religious show of devotion, but the idea is still ineffective in producing super saints.

Some things just don’t work well.

Another kind of self-harm is used to cleanse or punish practitioners, except this one takes place in the mind. The practice is usually referred to as inappropriate self-deprecation. In essence, people journey through life mentally “whipping” themselves by feeding on false or exaggerated negative self-images. The mind can swing the whip hundreds of times faster than the arm can swing a whip, so the damage ends up more extensive.

And . . . this method doesn’t any better than the physical kind of self-punishment. Yet, this kind of mental punishment is common. I am actually pretty good at it. Here are a few of my whips.

“You are a poser, Hamilton. You are not qualified to __________. (Pick the subject)

“You will never be an effective writer.”

“You’ll always be fat.”

“You are undisciplined.”

“You always eat too much.”

“You are a constant spendthrift.”

“You can never string together working out for three days in a row, much less regularly.”

“You can’t remember anybody’s name, for Pete’s sake!”

“You are too old to do any of this stuff anymore. Stop kidding yourself.”

How much time do you have? I could go on for some time.

Can I tell you something? None of those thoughts has helped me improve their prospective field of complaint. But they sure do make me miserable sometimes. How about you?

I am not talking about honest evaluations designed to identify areas for improvement. While those thoughts are necessary and helpful, the problem is that most of us do not stop with honest, helpful evaluations. We somehow find perverted pleasure in irrationally mentally beating ourselves.

Give yourself a life-changing present this Christmas. STOP IT! Here are some suggestions as to how to stop stinkin’ thinkin’.

Eliminate exaggerated mental statements like: I always. I’ll never. I was always this way. I’ll never. I’m wasting my time. God created me this way. It’s just who I am. They will always think _______ of me.

Always and never are two of the self-flaggellator’s words. Life is more “gray” than always and never, which is good. Growth is joy is found in the middle ground, not on the extremes. The extreme statements are usually lies, and Satan loves a good lie. 

Eliminate the “Poser syndrome” from your thought bank. If they really knew . . .  is a haunting ghost thought designed to undermine your self-confidence and keep you from being your best.

People often hold Pastors to a higher moral and ethical standard than the rest of the populace. I struggled with this perspective because I know who I “really” am. So, I’ve often thought, If you really knew me, you wouldn’t think I’m so great.

We are all posers in one way or another. No matter the subject, we do not possess perfect skills, motivations, intentions, or actions. That is why giving one another—and ourselves—grace and mercy is critical.

Nothing is ever good enough. Yes, it is. Get over it. Stop holding yourself, others, and circumstances to a standard even God couldn’t meet. At any given time, there is a lot about your life that is good enough.

Stop focusing on the few negatives rather than the numerous positives. For some strange reason, last evening, I experienced a rare meltdown. Two or three less-than-optimal situations have been brewing around me. I started brooding about those matters, and within an hour, I added five or six additional items to my woe is Don list. Within the hour, my mind felt like it was sinking in quicksand, about to go under. Do you ever feel that way? It sucks.

I finally took a page from my own playbook and texted a friend about my plight. Though there was empathy, I quickly received a reply that included a list of twice as many blessings as I was currently experiencing. However, I was by now quite enjoying my pity party, so it took a few hours to admit the truth—I live a blessed life, including a few glitches that come with being human.

Don’t take yourself and your life too seriously. Humans are funny because they all, including you, do a lot of dumb stuff. 

Two days ago, I picked up the remote to turn on the television so I could watch a basketball game. For some reason, the remote didn’t work. I pushed every button a dozen times, each time more forcefully. I spoke to the remote with the voice recognition button firmly depressed. I made rude comments to the device, increasing in intensity with each utterance. Finally, I smacked the uncooperative device on the side table. Nothing.

I finally decided to examine the device more closely, and I found that it was sticky. Someone had spilled some sticky liquid onto the old LG, and everything was gunked up. Who would do such a stupid thing? How rude! Unfortunately, I live alone, so finding a scapegoat whose name did not start with D, O, N was impossible.

My dear friend, Amazon, will deliver a new remote sometime today. My team lost anyway.

A while after Jesus rose from the dead, the Teacher met his disciples along the seashore, where the Master had a discussion with his ardent follower, Peter. A few days earlier, Peter, who claimed he was Jesus’s most faithful student of all, denied he even knew Jesus. Peter blew it. When it mattered most, the “Rock” washed away like sand.

It was likely that Peter now believed he would never share the same closeness and favor as his leader. Peter did what he had done so many times before: he let his mouth override his devotion and ability. How could he ever be in God’s good graces again?

But Jesus had different ideas. He said, “Peter, do you love me?” 

“Yes, Lord, you know I do.”

“Then feed my sheep.”

“Pete, do you love me?”

“Lord, of course, I love you!”

“Feed my sheep, Peter.”

Once more, the Master inquired, “Rock, do you love me?”

The follower was now distraught. It was like Jesus was rubbing salt in Peter’s wound of failure.

“Lord, you know everything. You know without a doubt that I love you. Why do you keep asking me?”

Jesus looked the failure in the eyes and said, “Peter, get to work. Take care of my sheep. Feed them. Guide them. Do what I trained you to do.”

The time for self-flagellation was past. Jesus would not let his follower set up camp there. It was time for Pete to get to the business of fishing for men.

Give yourself a gift this Christmas. Stop doing to yourself something God Himself doesn’t do to you.

Finally, I would also remind you that when you rob yourself, you will inevitably rob those you love.

Live Inspired!

Don Mark