“I Cried Every Time” High School Graduations

"Parents, you might as well turn off your child's GPS tracking device; Johnny is now a young adult." (A high school principal speaking at a graduation ceremony)

Many parents and children are presently experiencing one of life's major transitions – high school graduation. For teens, these are exciting times, but for parents, sadness, and anxiety are part of the mix. To Mom and Dad, a diploma means letting go, and none of us likes to forfeit something or someone we cherish. If you are one of those guardians, I feel for you.

I have little idea what my parents felt as I strolled down the aisle at the "Wigwam," my high school gymnasium, in 1972. I partied the night before and had the same agenda for this day, but I first needed to don the green cap over my shoulder-length crown of blonde hair and look squarely into the eyes of the superintendent of schools who handed me my ticket to freedom. Hallelujah, it's over! That is about as religious as it got for me in those days.

I am confident my mother and father were proud of me though they knew the party scene had seriously interrupted my high school career. I went from As and Bs in Junior High to the lower end of the grading scale in high school.  

Dad had only completed the ninth grade but had become one of the premier glass-forming machinery designers in the world. I think mom had a diploma, but she also had a husband (my dad) and a child sometime in her youthful years, so she grew up quickly. My folks made it well over forty years together, and only by death did they part, so they must have earned good grades in marriage and family. All four of their children ended up loving Jesus and being "successful," so they've got that going for them. It just took some siblings longer to figure life out than others.

I was to attend Ball State University that fall, a few miles from my home. David Letterman was an alma mater, so how could I go wrong? Well, I figured out a way – to go wrong, that is. I attended the famous "teachers" college all of two weeks before determining it wasn't for me. I cannot imagine my parents' disappointment with my decision though they never expressed their chagrin to me. I would have been their first child to attend college. However, I had fallen in love with "work" at about age fourteen and was now the assistant manager at a large local food store chain. Having money in my pocket and a nice car in the driveway looked much better than a dorm room and homework.

Over the next few years, my party life subsided; I returned to the church and ended up at Johnson Bible College in Knoxville, Tennessee, where I graduated with good grades and was married for the second time to the one who would accompany me through life for thirty-eight years. Years later, my mother watched her little boy walk across another platform, this one for a velum titled "Doctor." She was a proud momma. A few months later, ovarian cancer took her life, and I had the honor of holding her hand while she graduated to heaven. Over the years, I figured out a few things and have enjoyed a fruitful and immensely satisfying life. Now I have four successful children who love Jesus, and I've witnessed each of them walk the high school and college platforms for those papers with the school seal on them. I cried every time.

For some reason, both of my parents indicated that I would turn out okay. Perhaps they were prophets. High School graduation was only one small step in a long parade of personal accomplishments and failures. The mosaic of my life is, to a great extent, the result of Ralph and Genell's influence, who had the wisdom to let Donnie fly long before and after the high school graduation ceremony was complete.

Mr. Principal, I think you have given parents wise advice. At some point, turn off your child's tracking device.

But alas, my children are in their thirties, and I still like to know where they are and what they're up to. When one of them heads home from my place, I always ask them to text me and let me know they arrived home safely. It’s funny; one's affection and concern for their children does not diminish with their age.

On the other side of the coin, I know letting go of what you think is full disclosure about your child's life is tough. By the way, it was always a façade anyway. Were your kids so stupid that they could not figure out the "go-arounds" to our drone tactics? Hmmm?? I think not. No amount of helicoptering could stop them from doing what adolescents do.

Our desire to watch over our children should be instinctive; if we did not possess it, many kids wouldn't reach adulthood. But our problem emerges when we are no longer actually "watching over" our children but rather trying to soothe our own insecurities. Perhaps some of our controlling desire for our progeny is not rooted in the purist of motives.

"My marriage is not so hot, so I'm not going to approve of you getting into what I consider a questionable relationship."

"I screwed up my big chance for a sports scholarship, and I'm not letting that happen to you."

"I partied away some big opportunities, and I have no intention of letting you do the same."

"If you stop going to church when you are in college, I fear you will go to hell. I'm not letting that happen without expressing my disdain for your choices."

"I was too lazy to get the grades I needed to go to the next level. No way I'm letting that happen to you, child."

"You could have a great career making lots of money, and you are not going to blow it because of some "conviction" about a meaningful vocation."

"I'm still your boss, and I expect you will do what I tell you."

Ah, parenting can be so complicated! In any case, here are a few suggestions for you parents watching your child sail into the distance right before your eyes.

·      Go ahead, cry your eyes out; it's okay. Mentally rehearse all those years of development and the joy that little person brought you. A stroll down memory lane is healthy, and I assure you, you will create many more delightful memories in the future.

·      Let go. The longer you try to keep that leash on them, the more harm you'll do to you both. The tables are now turned, and in the future, your child will increasingly define the terms of your relationship. It will not always be pleasant, but it is necessary. If you work with the change rather than against it, your lives will go more smoothly.

·      Be proud! You, too, are graduating to the next season of life. You made it, and you will continue to forge a bright future. You won't have to take them to practices or worry about their late nights out. And they will stay out very late, and you will never know about it. There are some things it is rather nice not to know. Enjoy.

·      Friendship with your child can be in your future. As young people develop, their view of their parents morphs. You will always be a parent, but you can also become a good friend to your child. As you slowly learn to stop treating your offspring like a child, a new deeper relationship can emerge, which is most enjoyable.

·       By all means, don't be a fuddy-duddy! Over the next few years, your child will embrace their status as a separate person from you, their parent. They are no longer required to be with you; it is now their choice. Who wants to hang out with someone still trying to control me or who bores me to tears? Lighten up and have fun with your young adult children.

·      However, you can still be home base. Everyone needs security, especially during seasons of dramatic change. Your child will pass through many new doors, some exciting, many scary, a few hurtful, and others ecstatic. When you've been out on the open seas, returning to your home port is always wonderful. My mom always greeted me with my favorite, Wheaties Cookies. I can still smell and taste those delicious, chewy morsels. At home, one finds unconditional acceptance, love, support, and comfort. It is also there where you reflect enough to receive wisdom and guidance. You will get to be all those benefits to your young adventurer.

Wise old Solomon once said there is a time and a season for everything under heaven. There is a time to cling and a time to let go. And we all know that letting go is such sweet sorrow. Parents, you'll get through this.

Live Inspired!

Don Mark