You can have Magical powers!

I just returned from Lowe’s, which is one of my common stops.  I can always think of something I “need” in that superstore of cool stuff. Since I recently purchased a new vehicle, I now park in the outer reaches of parking lots where it seems less likely that someone would scratch or dent a door. If this happened, I would suffer a temporary loss of my religion and utter exclamations that are better left unsaid. It will probably take a couple of years until I migrate back to finding the closest to the entrance parking spot possible.

Meanwhile, as I returned to my car, another auto parked similarly towards the outer edges. On the way into the store, I admired the white Dodge Challenger with cool wheels and black accents. On my trek back to my car, there was a man, perhaps a little younger than me, loading some materials into the trunk. As I passed him, I said, “That is a nice car. It’s a beauty. I really like it.”  The man stopped his loading and looked at me with a smile like he had just won the lottery. “Thanks, man. I like it too.”

As an older gentleman, I wondered if this was his dream car, a gift to himself for this season of life. Or perhaps he has always been a motorhead who loves a sweet, fast ride that turns heads like it did mine. I’m a car lover, so I can relate.

No matter the reason he owns this classic, that fact that I noticed and complimented him on it just might have made his day. I saw him leaving the lot ahead of me with a smile on his face.

Genuine compliments and affirming conversations wield incredible power. A person’s day can be made or broken depending upon the messages they receive. Even worse, the trajectory of a child’s life, a marriage, friendship, or an employment relationship can be set according to the messages people receive.

I recently read an article about marital success factors. “According to relationship researcher John Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. What does this mean? This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. Stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones.” ( Shruti S. Poulsen, Ph.D. Consumer and Family Sciences Department of Child Development & Family Studies Purdue University. Article: Relationships - The Fine Balance: The Magic Ratio to a Healthy Relationship).

The study discovered that The Magic Ratio is the most accurate indicator of marital success. Wow! How can something so simple mean so much?  I hope you’re thinking about your ratio right now!   Having counseled many couples and wavering relationships, I learned that by the time they were in my office, the magic ratio was turned on its head, and there were five negative interactions to every one positive conversation. It was challenging for the struggling couple to slow down that train.

This study made me think.  Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like if we applied the Magic Ratio to all our relationships, even people we pass in a parking lot.

There is also ample science to teach us what happens to our brains when we receive negative and positive reinforcement.

“Neuroscience is now teaching us that when we face criticism, rejection, or fear when we feel marginalized or minimized, our bodies produce higher levels of cortisol, a hormone triggered by the hypothalamus causing a fight or flight reaction. Cortisol shuts down our reasoning ability and can cause us to either freeze or appease” according to Dr. Richard and Judith Glasser of The CreatingWE Institute” (HBR June 2014).

On the other side of the fence, here is what happens when we receive positive input.

“On the other hand, positive comments and conversations produce a chemical reaction too. They stir the production of oxytocin impacting our prefrontal cortex. This feel-good hormone elevates our ability to communicate, collaborate and trust others. Yet, because oxytocin metabolizes more quickly than cortisol, its effects are less powerful and long-lasting.  That’s why it takes more positive conversation to overcome the chemical reactions of a negative one.” (Dave Robson, Why It Takes Seven Positives to Reverse One Negative. Lifesource Coaches article. April 12, 2017).

There you have it! It takes copious amounts of positive affirmation to overcome the negative. The Apostle Paul put it like this when he wrote the congregation in Ephesus.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV)

Maybe Paul understood brain science 2,000 years ago. Go figure.

What if we decided to give at least five positive affirmations to people we encounter throughout the day? What if we kept closer track of the 5 to 1 Magic Ratio with our spouse and our children? If you lead or manage people at work, how about making sure those we lead are recipients of the Magic Ratio?

There are a lot of small acts that can make people around us feel valued and vital. Add all these magic moments together, and you will have influenced the success of someone’s life. So, I’ll start.

I commend you and thank you for reading this article. You are showing that you care about your personal development and the welfare of others. And you are encouraging me to do the same. Thanks!

Live Inspired!

Don Mark

Please read on.

Make it stand out

Gail Hamilton

I would like to add a request to this article. Next Monday, October 18, is my birthday. No, I’m not asking for a present! Well, that is not entirely true. I am going to ask for a gift.  My birthday is also the third anniversary of my wife’s passing to her new heavenly home. So, every October 18 is both my birthday and my wife’s re-birthday.

During her illness, Gail and our family began a partnership ministry with Stadia Church Planting and Enhance, as many of you know. Each year we raise funds and awareness to assist twenty-five female leaders in training who will go into villages and communities in South Asia.  They live in one of the most populous and impoverished areas on earth. On average, these brave women will start five new house churches and transform communities by providing vocational training to others in their village.

Since this partnership began five years ago, we have assisted 125 female leaders who have started around 625 new churches and trained hundreds of people who now have skills that allow them to feed themselves and their families. This process has continued even through the ravishes of COVID.

Would you please help me celebrate Gail’s mission by donating to Gail’s Girls?

The giving process is simple and secure.  Follow the link below.  You’ll learn more about this partnership and can easily donate to this life-changing cause.

 https://stadiachurchplanting.org/partner/gailsgirls/

Check out this video to learn more about Gail and Gail’s Girls.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1EaONFySic