unmet expectations a blessing?
Over the past two years, I expected to travel to Europe, Southern Asia, and South America which did not happen. I enjoy travel immensely, so this interruption of my plans was dissapointing . I also enjoy visiting New York City and usually go at least once a year but COVID restrictions have been so strict in the city that I felt I would not enjoy it.
I have traveled to numerous places in the USA during this period and look forward to more adventures this year. However, I despise wearing a mask on a plane, well, anywhere, for that matter. But I’ve not let my disdain for the mask on an airplane mandate stop me from traveling.
The pandemic continues to rule our lives and cause unwanted adjustments to our expectations. Unmet expectations affect us in numerous ways, and disappointment often elicits strong responses such as anger, frustration, sadness, and even depression. Admittedly, every time a new season approaches, and I develop high hopes of international travel to bucket-list destinations, it disappoints me when I learn that it’s not going to happen. I am required to adjust my prospects to move forward without emotional baggage.
I’ve read several articles recently reporting that a significant portion of pastors in the US are seriously considering leaving the ministry, and many have already thrown in the towel. Leading a church during this season is more challenging than some can handle. So much of how we practiced church has morphed, and it has generally not been pleasant. No one goes into pastoral ministry expecting the kind of storms the past two years have presented.
Ed Stetzer recently interviewed Rick and Kay Warren, and Rick made some insightful comments. “I have spent personally more time encouraging pastors who wanted to resign in the past 18 months than ever before in my 52 years of ministry,” said Rick Warren. Rick continued. “If your tank was already half empty before these storms hit, you’re running on empty now. And some of you probably entered this crisis with little or nothing in your emotional, spiritual tank.”
Rick and Kay are very familiar with grief. Their son Matthew committed suicide in 2013 after a lifelong battle with mental illness. In recent years, the Warrens have also been criticized for speaking out against racial injustice and social unrest. Kay explained her plight, “This is not a fun time to lead,” she said. “For me personally…it’s even harder than when Matthew died…After Matthew died, we got so much support. I mean, we could do no wrong. We got so much support. Very little criticism.” That has not been the case, however, when the Warrens have spoken out about racial injustice or when Kay publicly said she had gotten vaccinated, reports Jessica Lea. (Article by Jessica Lea, January 11, 2022)
The pandemic has also disproportionately affected older adults. In 2020 more senior adults left the workforce than ever since records have been kept. Most will never return, which leaves huge holes in the workforce needed to operate many businesses. Those of us who frequent restaurants have witnessed this problem. At the same time, discontinuing employment means many will end up in dire financial straits. Who would have expected that turn of events?
Teachers are exiting their careers in record numbers leaving active teachers over-worked. As many parents acutely recognize, children are not receiving the quality of education as before COVID. Schools are also struggling to find bus drivers. As a result, some districts, desperate to bus children, are hiring less-than-desirable drivers who have put children in dangerous positions. My granddaughter recently had to argue for several minutes not to be dropped off in the wrong neighborhood by an angry, unqualified driver. She repeatedly told my granddaughter that she was lying about where she lives!
All these matters pale compared to the loss of life – many lives cut short by this unseen menace. Though we all recognize that our lives are terminal, we maintain expectations about when that time should come.
The list of challenges reaches Everest. My travel woes are a minor matter compared to what many are enduring. Nevertheless, these forced changes mean that what we expect in life is not happening. Unmet expectations can be dangerous but also become a blessing in the long run.
If you expect nothing, you’ll never be disappointed, but it is impossible to negate our wishes entirely. Pick any subject, and you can identify your expectations in that circumstance. When I pull up to a stoplight behind another car, I don’t expect the person in front of me to be texting and make me miss the green light! When we go to a restaurant, and there are empty tables, we still expect to be seated. But then we learn they do not have enough servers or cooks. When a person is forty years old, they do not wish to enter a hospital and never come home. When couples get married, they don’t expect to get divorced. Parents expect to pass before their children.
So how do we profitably handle all these unmet hopes? Here are some ideas.
Accept that earth is not heaven. God informs us that there will be no more tears, sadness, or striving in heaven, but He makes no such claim about our earthly existence. If you come to believe that you can create heaven on earth, you will be sorely disappointed. An entitlement mentally always leaves people angry and upset. We are not guaranteed a trouble-free life or a set number of years before death. All this does not mean that our lives are not meaningful, joyful, and fulfilling. It is helpful to receive the truth of mortal existence with its frailties.
Manage your expectations reasonably. I wanted our church to grow in numbers and spiritual depth when I was a pastor. But numbers are much easier to gauge, so I often defaulted to determining my success by the number of people in the church. (Side note: Many pastors are in an awful way right now because church seats are no longer full. If you consider worship attendance as the measure of your success, perhaps it is time to reconsider your metrics.) I sometimes set the standard I desired by comparing myself to my colleagues across the country. The result was that no matter how much we grew, it was never enough. I sometimes set unrealistic goals that did not come to pass, making me feel like something was wrong with me and that I was not a good enough leader. My good friend and mentor often reminded me. “Don, bigger is not better; better is better!” What a waste of emotional, spiritual, and intellectual energy! If your hopes are unreasonable or derived from the wrong source, you will be disappointed.
Develop routines that keep you grounded. Set aside time every day to talk with God, read His Word, and be thankful. Exercise, eat right and laugh a lot. Many people’s road to discouragement bypasses healthy, life-giving routines; this includes pastors and church leaders.
Good things take time. I have lived according to the following maxim for many years, and it has served me well. Any goal of significance always takes longer than you thought it would take, costs more than you thought it would cost and is a lot more work than you thought it would entail. Patience is indeed a virtue!
There is a mountain of matters in life out of your control. Stop fretting about them. It is a waste of time. It is supposed to snow this coming Sunday, and you’re not going to stop it! J Jesus told us that worrying about uncontrollable circumstances is unfruitful. He continued to advise that we instead trust in the God who loves us and always has our best interest in mind.
There is a mountain of matters in life under your control. The flip side of the control coin is numerous issues you can control or partially master. Spend ten times the thought and energy on manageable matters than ones you cannot change. The most effective way to take control is by making small but significant changes, especially ones that have a domino effect on other issues that are beneficial to you.
Get enough sleep. There are seasons where our sleep meter is registering low because of matters beyond our control. However, no matter the reason, if you deprive yourself of adequate sleep for long, you, and often those around you, will pay the price. We were not built to run 24/7/365.
Move on quickly. Holding on to past failures is like the monkey trap that works on a simple principle. Food is placed in a coconut with a hole just large enough to squeeze the monkey’s hand into but too small to get its hand out when it is full. Monkeys are captured because they refuse to let go to remove their paw and escape. “Let go” are two potent words. Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpJmpClJi4E
I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that COVID is not going away anytime soon, and the good news is that you can keep pivoting, morphing, and growing through the entire experience. I appreciate another statement by Pastor Rick Warren.
“I’ll just say, personally, I’ve learned nothing from success in my life. Everything I’ve learned in life, I’ve learned through pain. And so that pain involves grief. I am the man that I am today because of what we’ve learned about grief, not what we’ve learned about fame or what we’ve learned about success.”
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Be the hero of your own story!
Don Mark
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