rejection is a four-letter word

“We’re sorry to inform you, but you did not make the cut.
“Sorry you didn’t make the team.”

“We simply do not think you have the skill set required for this job.”

“You are a stupid child.”

“You’re simply not the right fit.”

“I want a divorce.”

“I’m leaving you.”

“You will never make it.”

“You are in way over your head.”

“I am not ready for marriage.”

Do any of those sentences sound familiar? Not only are you likely to have heard one or two of those statements, but you can also probably add a few more from your own experience. Rejection happens, and it’s no fun.

I was just about to graduate from Bible College and was excited to find a church to serve and start preaching. Gail and I had been married for about a year, and she would graduate from nursing school as well. We were young and thrilled to start a new chapter together, but we first needed to find a place to go.

I applied to several churches hoping to visit some and perhaps present a “trial” sermon. My life had changed dramatically over the past six years. I went from a wild partygoer to a dedicated Christian desiring to serve in a healthy, growing church. I felt I had left everything back at my home in Indiana to give my life entirely to Christ. Unfortunately, my first marriage ended in a painful divorce that was at least partially my fault, but both of us moved on with our lives. It would be many years before our paths crossed again.

I applied to a church in western PA but was abruptly rejected because I had been divorced. What?! In those days, many congregations believed divorced people could not hold leadership positions in a local church. It was like having a large letter “D” stamped on my chest. This rejection was a hard pill to swallow, initially making me angry. I thought, “So, I left everything to follow Jesus and serve His Church, and this is how I’m treated.” My anger turned to sadness, and the feeling that my divorce would haunt me for the remainder of my life. Rejection sucks!

After discussions with wise counsel, I moved on and sought out other churches. Ultimately, I was accepted at two churches, but there was also one in the Harrisburg area of Pennsylvania that interested me the most. Gail and I felt a solid call to this young congregation, so we turned down the other two before we knew if Capital Area Christian Church would present us with a call. At least not every church considered that divorce made one “unclean” forever, but I never forgot that experience in western Pennsylvania.

The church meeting in a small college in Enola made me an offer, and we took it and stayed there for thirty-eight years. I guess this church lived in “sin” all those years, having a divorced man as their pastor. (Sorry, I had to give a little jab, at least).

Life is full of rejection ranging from not being picked to play a pick-up basketball game by your peers to something so significant as being turned down for a job because of a previous mistake. I imagine that some of you who are reading this article are in the midst of dealing with this uncomfortable issue.

Do you remember the story of Cain and Abel? Even folks who have never read the bible are familiar with this story. These two men were siblings of Adam and Eve. (Genesis chapter four) Able was a herdsman, while his brother was a farmer. We do not know much about the circumstances but are told God desired that the two men present him with gifts. Abel offered the very best of the firstborn of his flocks of sheep, while Cain gave the Lord a few crops from his fields at harvest time.

There are numerous interpretations concerning the difference in gifts, but for some reason, God was not particularly pleased with Cain’s presentation, so the Creator let the older brother know about it. God’s reaction really ticked off Cain, and the Scripture states that he felt “dejected.” Cain overreacted to this revelation, and his unmanaged anger opened the door for its terrible results. He murdered his brother and forever sealed his bad reputation.

But it did not have to be that way. Cain could have turned the situation around, but he chose not to do so. God went so far as to approach the angry young man and inquire about his ill feelings. “Why are you so ticked off, Cain? I’m not that upset with you; I just want you to get this right. How about you just let go of your anger, do the right thing, and I am glad to accept you.”  The Father continued, “But you better watch yourself because if you don’t get a handle on this, you will do something idiotic and will regret it for the rest of your life” (my paraphrase)

After the murder, God called Cain into the principal’s office and inquired about his feelings of rejection. Would Cain tell the truth, the whole truth?   “Where’s your bro, Cain?” Cain replied, “I don’t know. This is not my day to watch him. So why are you asking me? Am I my brother’s keeper?”  Getting smart with the Principal was not a very good idea, and his stupidity cost him heavily. Cain was kicked out of school and lived a nomad’s life until he settled down in a place called Nod which means “wandering.” (Where we get “Nomad”).

 It is wise to learn how to handle rejection as early in life as possible. If you don’t, you may end up in Nod. Here are some suggestions.

• It is okay to get angry and feel dejected, but do not set up camp there. If you do, you will ruin not only your life but also those around you. So . . .

• Do not make rash and/or vengeful decisions. Allow yourself time to get over the shock of rejection, and give yourself time to cool off. The saying, “Let cooler heads prevail,” is wise.

• Do not let rejection define you. Often rejection in one place will open the door for formerly unrecognized or sought-after opportunities in another area. For me, rejection in western Pennsylvania opened the door for acceptance into something better in Southcentral, PA.

• Find a sounding board and tell your story of pain. It is not helpful to “stuff” your feelings. If you continuously suppress your pain, sooner or later, you will get so full that you will vomit it all out in an unhealthy manner.

• Take your pain towards God, not the other direction. Cain’s issue could have been settled so quickly, and the Lord was more than willing to show him how. God understands rejection really well. Remember what we did with his Son?

• Take stock of your core values and determine if you are reacting in accordance with them. Being overlooked for a job hurts, but your morals, ethics, family, and friends are more important. You can be rejected a hundred times and still walk away with all those more critical matters intact.

• If you grew up in a home where people mistreated you and told you you were worthless, they were wrong! Excuse my language, but that is bull . . .  God and God alone defines your core worth, and He likes you! He doesn’t just love you; He likes you.

This week I applied to a publisher who might publish my book. Releasing my work feels like offering your precious baby to a stranger to babysit. Few books are accepted for publication on the first, second, etc., pass. Twelve different publishers rejected Harry Potter. Gone With the Wind, a Pulitzer Prize-winning story, was dismissed by forty publishers.

Chicken Soup for the Soul was turned down a whopping 144 times. Jack Canfield instructs, “Learn how to reject rejection.” Sage advise.

So, I am gearing up for a “Thanks but no thanks” string of letters in the next few months. That phenomenon is part of life; who knows, I might become an expert at handling rejection.

You can learn to handle rejection well and make it your teacher.

Live Inspired!

Don Mark