Handling Sadness This Season

For many people, the holiday season is difficult at best.

Tomorrow, Saturday, December 16th, will mark the seventh anniversary of the news of my wife having cancer. It seems surreal. How could seven years have passed since that fateful evening at the TSO concert in Hershey when I watched Gail’s countenance go from happiness to pain as the person on the other end of the call delivered the news – pancreatic cancer. Christmas was challenging for our family in 2016. Our lives were upended over the next two years, and life has never been the same. Strangely, I remember the delivery of the bad news as much as the evening of my birthday when she passed.

As you read about my experience, many of you immediately saw images of similar painful scenes in your mind. You remember words that were spoken, where you were, and what you were doing when “your” tragedy” was announced. Those heart-rending images are etched on your mind forever. Some of you likely have not just one but numerous grim holiday tales. And they hurt, don’t they?  

For many, the Christmas season is a struggle, whether from memories of a tragedy or the disappointments of life that happened between Thanksgiving and January 1st.  

December 16th is an unpleasant memory for me, but the sad recollection no longer dominates my Christmas celebration. My wife would be distraught with me if I made that bad news the mood for the season.

It is difficult to accept, but life does not operate on our timetable. It doesn’t decide that it is someone’s time to go, but then check a calendar to ensure the painful experience will not fall near a holiday. In my case, the bad news arrived near Christmas, and then nearly two years later, Gail left me on my birthday – a double whammy.

So, what’s your story? I know many of you have far more difficult chronicles than I do.

Add to the subject of tragedies near Christmas the typical nostalgia accompanying remembrances of special occasions. I cherish dozens of memories of holiday seasons growing up in the Hamilton household in Anderson, Indiana, not to mention the celebration of Jesus’ birth with my young children each year. I can smell mom’s Wheaties Cookies and feel the wonder of having a revolving Christmas tree designed and built by my father. I remember the Christmas approaching the millennium when Gail and I surprised the girls with a trip to Disney. We left on Christmas Day and returned after the New Year. We greeted the new year in Disney. Fun stuff! Oh, the good times!

Whenever I watch Christmas Vacation and view the scene with Clark Griswold locked in the attic watching eight-millimeter films of his youth while Ray Charles swoons in the background, I nearly tear up. The home movies he views were shot about the same time period I grew up, and I remember similar scenes from my youth. In fact, I think my dad gave us a “good old-fashioned family Christmas” on numerous occasions.

Nostalgia is good for us because it reminds us that we are part of the flow of history and we have a place there. It also reminds us that one day, our children and friends will look wistfully back on the memories we are creating now. However, holiday reminiscence can turn sour if we get stuck there, in the past, wishing for “the good ole’ days,” which likely weren’t all that good, by the way.   

And for some, the word nostalgia would be replaced by “nightmares.” The good ole days were not good, and you would rather forget the painful memories. Who wants to reminisce about a bad dream?

We all want to avoid the dark side of the holiday season, but alas, that fog will probably set in for a while somewhere during the season.

When we consider the original nativity and the events leading up to and following Jesus’s birth, we tend to “clean them up” and stray from reality. Mary and Joseph got a lot of bad news before and after the birth. Consider these questions:

·      How many hometown friends and family members rejected Mary because they believed she was lying about her pregnancy?

·      I wonder if the news Mary delivered to her betrothed rocked his world.

·      What woman wants to take a ninety-mile, four-day ride on a donkey when they’re nine months pregnant?

·      What parents want to see their firstborn come into the world in a cattle stall?

·      How would it feel as a parent when you learned that the local King wants your child dead?

·      And then there is that forty-mile ride to Egypt, where they would need to establish a short-term home; how would that feel?

When our holiday experiences are less than ideal, at least we know we are not alone. Jesus wasn’t born in Hershey Medical Center, where friends and family members could cuddle the new addition and bring Him gifts.

So, how can we handle the holiday doldrums in a healthy manner? Here are some suggestions.

Affirm your sadness and know you are not alone.

It is okay to be sad sometimes during the season. You will be joining a host of others experiencing the same thing. You are not alone.

Try not to fixate on negative experiences.

Visit the unhappy “site” and affirm its sadness, but then, just like visiting a monument in Washington, walk away and get back to life in the present. It is good and proper to view a monument, but it is not good to set up a tent and live there.

Recall, instead, joyous and uplifting experiences associated with the lost person or depressing event.

During the last twenty-two months of my wife’s life on earth, we enjoyed sites we had never seen, visits with dozens of wonderful people, and the most intimate moments of our thirty-eight-year marriage.

Look for “golden nuggets” even in a not-so-good situation.

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up one day with a mild toothache, which kept worsening. I hate toothaches and am a big baby about it! This situation happened over a weekend, and the following Tuesday, I was supposed to meet my nephew in New York for a day while he was there on a business trip. I couldn’t wait. New York at Christmas with someone I rarely get to see would be a treat. Gotham is very expensive this time of year and I agonized about spending that much extra money during the holidays. I finally decided I should be mature and not go – yuk. (Lower lip protruding)

By Monday, I was in lots of pain, so I decided to see if I could get into a new dentist recommended by my daughter, thinking it would likely be at least a week before a visit. How am I going to endure this pain for a week, I thought. I talked with a kind receptionist who could get me in in a week. Argh! About ten minutes later, as I sat in my chair whining, she called back and said, “Don, I can get you in at 10:00 am today if you can make it.” “You bet I can make it,” I replied. It was already 8:45.

Everyone at the new dental practice was excellent, including my doctor, with whom I chatted for nearly half an hour. He was delightful. My tooth was cracked, and he repaired it the cheapest way possible until I could return on January 2nd, when my new insurance began. Wow, I dodged a bullet and a week of pain. I was a happy camper. I also met a new friend – the doc. As he finished his work, he said, “You are a fascinating person. I look forward to chatting with you again.” How kind!

Now, I would have been up the proverbial financial creek if I had already booked a $300 per night room for two nights in the Big Apple and paid for train tickets. My guardian angel saved my keister once again. My sad story had a silver lining.

Toothaches and dental visits do not compare to many unfortunate things in our lives, but somewhere amid a painful experience, there is a nugget of goodness. Find and celebrate it.

Misery loves company, but depression prefers solitude. Find a safe friend and unload your feelings.

You are a sitting duck for sadness if you bear it alone.

Ask yourself what you can learn from your present experience.

Reframe your dark moments and use them as positive learning tools.

Get up out of your whining chair and find someone to help.

There is no better therapy than to wear yourself out helping someone else, and there are plenty of opportunities during the holiday season.

Finally, remind yourself that the same God who was with Mary and Joseph through their less-than-ideal circumstances is also with you.

God never leaves you, and perhaps He just sent you this letter to help you through your challenging holiday doldrums. Look for Him throughout the season, and you will somewhere find glad tidings of great joy.

Live Inspired!

Don Mark