Can You give Us Some Parenting Advice?

This was the last question I was asked by my friend Greg on his church planting podcast last week, highlighting my new book. I am asked this question frequently, and in this case, I felt ill-prepared to answer. You would think as often as people inquire about Gail and I’s parenting wisdom, I would have worked out a standard answer. I have not until now.

As many of you know, I have four adult daughters, all happily married, three with children. I am supremely blessed that my girls love and serve Jesus and are excellent wives and mothers. All four are leaders and influence many people daily. And, lucky for me, they all love their ole dad!

So how did that happen? Hmmm. First and foremost, it was by the grace of God, which makes it more difficult for me to explain. Seriously, it was by the grace of God, and I’m not sure why He chose to bless Gail and me in this manner, but I’ll take it and am grateful.

Honestly, I don’t know how my kids turned out since I was just being me—and many times, “me” wasn’t so good. This makes a significant point: You will make hundreds, perhaps thousands of parenting mistakes, so do not beat yourself up constantly because you did not meet your prescribed standards. Parenting involves flawed humans trying to raise flawed humans, which means the process will always be flawed.

I guess the last paragraph doesn’t help much, but I want God’s role clarified before I start pontificating about parenthood. So, here are some thoughts about how we raised our children.

·      We tried to make life fun. This was the first thing that came to mind when Greg asked the question. Fun is top-shelf in the Hamilton family. We love to joke, laugh, party, tease, and lighten tough spots with humor. My saying has always been, “If it ain’t fun, we don’t do it.”

However, “fun” means something different to everyone, but I suggest finding out what it means to your family and making it happen regularly. Life is intense, and if you don’t find consistent ways to lighten it up, it will consume you and your family.

·      Know thyself and thy children. Gail’s master’s degree thesis culminated with a teaching series she called “Colorful Parenting.” She presented the concept many times to many different groups of parents with outstanding results.

The premise is to learn your personality traits, quirks, likes, and dislikes early. Knowing yourself will help you in your marriage interactions and understand your parenting tendencies. Remind yourself often of your approach to life.

Second, learn your children’s personality traits as early as possible. Gail defined these tendencies using colors on a color wheel, but I don’t have time to explain them here.

In short, some kids are drivers, like to be bosses, are opinionated, and are fast-paced. They have an agenda, and they want everyone to follow it. 

Some are fun-loving, outgoing, sometimes frivolous, and often charming. Their world frequently revolves around friendships.

Many children are more passive. They like peace and tranquility, are slow-moving, and are supportive. They like to form deep bonds and are not confrontational.

Finally, some kids want things done right; they don’t like crowds very much and can entertain themselves. Their rooms are neat and clean, and they are often studious. Some tend towards perfectionism.

Those are very general descriptions, but I’ll bet you can see some of those traits in your children. Expand on them as is appropriate for your children.

Now, here’s the critical question: How does your personality interact with theirs? It is easy to try to force your personality preferences on a child who has very different priorities, which can create frustration for both of you. It is usually not helpful to exercise your authority, which is expressed through your personality type, without recognizing your child’s uniqueness. Try not to force your “preferences” just because you can. “Because I said so” is usually a formula for frustration.

·      Choose your battles wisely. My father hated long hair on a man. I grew long hair. We went to war over a meaningless issue. Some issues are important to you but don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things. Admit it, and try not to force your stuff on your children. This is especially important when parenting teens. What are your “long hair” issues?

·      Set boundaries. Some battles are worth fighting. Growing up is about testing boundaries in nearly every area of life. Constant external forces compete for your child’s conformity. Social media would love to raise your child, And peer pressure would enjoy controlling your little ones. There were times when we said, “No,” to the relief of our daughters. Our “no” meant they could deflect peer pressure decisions onto their parents, relieving them of embarrassment.

·      Embrace the contemporary world with your children. We live in a multi-cultural, multi-national, pluralistic, and religiously diverse society. The internet and rapid transit have shrunk our planet, And those who live in bubbles will be left behind. Since heaven will feature all of the aforementioned characteristics, it is helpful to prepare our kids now. Also, poverty still envelopes much of the world. If you are not comfortable encouraging your children to go to any of those places in person, at least be certain they learn about “how the rest of the world lives.” This will produce two admirable characteristics:

Gratitude. People don’t get to choose where they are born. Our children were born into a wealthy land of abundance, but many were born into poverty, conflict, and scarcity. We must thank God daily for our blessings.

Give back. Gail and I felt it of utmost importance that our girls learned to give, sometimes sacrificially, to help others. Some of my deepest satisfaction as a parent is to watch all of my children show generosity and love to those in need.

·      Build traditions Traditions connect us to the larger world, starting with our families. As much as anything you develop with your kids, they will never forget your traditions. These practices remind us that we are part of a long flow of history and are not islands to ourselves. I now find it fulfilling to watch my children practice a few of our “old” traditions while developing new ones with their families.

·      Walk your talk, and when you don’t admit it openly. Some parents refuse to admit when they have done something wrong concerning their children as if the admission will undermine their authority. Bologna!  “I was wrong” and “I am sorry” are powerful teaching tools mature people use.

·      Don’t beat yourself up. Self-flagellation is a losing game. Grieve a few minutes when you screw up, then get on with it.  

·      It is their life; ultimately, they must choose their path. Love them no matter what they choose. You are carrying around a lot of stuff, and your children will pick up some of it, reject some, and be bewildered by some of it. Sometimes, your best efforts will seem to have fallen on deaf ears, and you will be right about that. It did. You didn’t assimilate everything your parents did into your life, and your children won’t either.

This even extends to the faith they choose. If they go in another direction, love them anyway. The greatest but most dangerous blessing God has given us is choice. We get to choose our path, but He actively loves us no matter which way we go. Follow His example. Always be in their corner.

·      When your children become adults, choose carefully when you give your opinion. You will be biased and outdated—I repeat, you will be biased and outdated—but you have wisdom. You’ve been there, done that.

Wise advice often comes from well-worded questions and carefully chosen advice. If they want your opinion, they will ask for it.

·      Love your spouse. During my recent 70th birthday celebration with my kids, we all sat in a room together and they, one by one, went around the room and told me what they loved and respected about their father and grandfather. Yep, it was a tear-jerker!

My middle daughter recollected a learning moment many years ago. As an angry teen, she and her mother got into a heated exchange in which she spoke several extremely uncharitable words to her mother. I learned of this conversation, and the next day, we had a chat. I explained my strong feelings to her like this. “She may be your mother, but she is my wife, and nobody talks to my wife like that – even you. Don’t ever do that again.”  My daughter remembered that moment and was reminded of her father’s priorities: 1. God, 2. Gail, 4. Children, and everyone else. Gail was number two after only God. All others were number three or lower.

Many of our children will be married and enjoy families someday. They are watching now how to make that work. You are showing them.

Well, there you have it—a few of my thoughts on how my family developed. I hope something I’ve said helps you or someone you love. Parenting is more art than science. However you do it, base it on principles, not methodologies. Methods come and go, but solid, Godly principles remain.

By the way, thanks again to all who purchased my new book, Lead Like a Bodyguard. I hope you find it helpful. It might also make a good Christmas gift! The book was on Amazon’s top 50 list for nearly three weeks, so that made this author happy.

Also, a reminder. 10% of all book sales go to Gail’s Girls, a ministry that trains and deploys underresourced women to start new churches and teach young women in villages a vocation in South Asia. To date, Gail’s Girls has raised nearly $800,000 for this effort. Thank you!

Live Inspired!

Don Mark